The Secret Life of HeWhoMustNotBeNamed
by zeferin
Summary: Ever wonder what happens with the Dark Lord went he isn't after Harry? What if the name 'Deatheater' already was taken and old Volde had to change it? How does Snape fit in all this? Read and find out! This is all to be taken funny, just laugh
1. Chapter 1

Ok...this is a..._**DISCLAIMER. I DO NOT OWN, OR IN ANYWAY, MADE HARRY POTTER. ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO JK ROWLING**_. Thank you!

**Zeferin:** Hi, I'm Zeferin Raduias Azrael, but just call me Zeferin. Guess what...THIS IS MY FIRST FAN FICTION!!! YA!!!!!! AND IT'S A HARRY POTTER!!!! YA!!!!!!

**Trazish:** Shut up Zeferin! O, hello. My name is Trazish Razul Azrael, or just Trazish. I'm Zeferin's  
other. This means that I a physical being of his personality. He's kind, funny, nice...more or less  
the 'good' side. I'm cunny, cruel, evil...or just the 'bad' side.

**Zeferin: **Are you done yet? I think there here for the story, not our life story.

**Trazish:** Fine fine, lets get this on.

**Zeferin:** Finally, lets go. Here's chapter one.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**Chapter one**_

Deep in the heart of London, in a building which cannot be found, except for those who already know where it is. Now deep in the heart of that building is a room where things so evil, so vicious, so disturbing that they were locked away from anyone with magical power for these creatures attack all magical beings. These creatures may very well be the means in which the dark Lord may be be able to destroy Harry Potter. On the door the seperates these beasts from everyone else, in large red letters, is a sign. On it, it says, "WARNING! BEHIND THIS DOOR CONTAINS VERY DANGEROUS BEINGS------HARRY POTTER FANGIRLS. OPEN THIS, AND YOU WILL BE ANNOYED BY THEM TO POINT OF INSANITY BY THIER CONSTANT SCREAMING OF NONSENCE, GIGGLING, AND HUGGING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Sincerely,  
Your lovable Dark Lord."

Next to this door was another door where a trial was ending. This is where our real story begins.

The judge sat in the shadows behind his high podium. He collected his papers, looked at the defendant table and said in a dry, sinister voice, "May the defendant come forth."

From the defendant table stood a pale, black-and-greasy-shoulder-length haired, long hooked nosed man with the Dark Mark on his left forearm. He walked slowly to the podium, his black robe drooping behind him. As he stood still in front of it, the judge said, "Severus Snape, you have been charged with two accounts of treason, murder of a very important head figure, child abduction, making dark spells, tat-all telling about a secret that changed the world, wearing too much black, being a hard teacher, being very mean, having too much grease in your hair, stealing said grease from fast food restaurants, hating Harry Potter more than the average person, saying your name over and over again to the tick of a bomb, letting two students 'bother' you, threatening the former teacher Quirrell about some stupid stone, making almost all of your students cry at one time or another, and being an all around jerk. How do you plea?"

In his own dry, whinny voice, Snape answered, "Guilty."

There was a pause. The judge set his papers down. He lean forward out of the shadows and into the light. With his face now fully showing, Lord Voldemort peered down at Snape, his face expressionless. In a low voice, he spoke, "You plea guilty?... Uhm... then... YOU PASS! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE BACK IN!!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After many bottles of high end Firewiskey and several trays of questionable chocolate cake-like treats that may or may not have had a herbal ingredient in them, Voldemort took Snape out of the room and down a hallway. At the end of the hall, Voldemort walked through a door the had 'STAIRS' written on it. Snape fallowed. As Snape fallowed, he realized that these weren't normal stairs... these flight of stairs were all colored neon green, hot pink, and bright purple with gushy pink bunny hand rails on the side and Whinny the Pooh wallpaper on the walls. Snape, though very disturbed by all this nice and fuzzy coloring and design, continued down the stairs. Some where around the 20th floor that they had gone down, Snape started to see that each floor had a different kind of door. He passed floors with one door, two doors, red doors, blue doors, one had a little star, one had a little car. Doors with scratches, doors that were shiny, doors from Japan, doors from Disney World. Some with the dark mark, and some with a penguin plushie. One had a picture of cheese on the front with a crazed looking girl with an empty jug of OJ looking at Snape through the window and seemed to be trying to get out to get Snape, while another had a the initials CD on it with a wild looking person in the window with silvery hair and a red dress suit munching on cookie dough while talking to a white rat...and in turn the rat was talking back. Well this went on for about another hour or so until the Dark Lord and Snape reached the bottom; Snape was huffing and puffing real bad while Voldemort seemed perfectly fine.

Snape looked around at this floor to see there was an elevator. It appeared to be fully operational and to go to the floor in which Snape and Voldemort started their very long descent. Snape looked at it for a whole minute. Then he turned back to the Dark Lord. "Sir...if I may ask...why did...you make us...walk all the way...down here...if we could...have taken...the elevator?" wheezed a very tired Snape. "Actually...couldn't we...have...Apparated?"

Voldemort turned around and looked at Snape strangely. "Well, I walked all the way for the fact that I personally enjoy the exercise. How do you think I keep my slim, snake-like figure? I don't do what that Oorochi guy does in Japan; always sticking that sword down with throat every time he he thinks he gained an ounce... Anyway, you could have Apparated or took the elevator if you wanted to. I just assumed you wanted to walk."

Snape passed out at these words. Voldemort stepped closer towards the now unconscious Snape. Voldemort bent at the knees to get closer to Snape's head. "Snape?" he whispered. "Snaaaaaaaaape?" he whispered again, this time poking Snape with his wand on the nose. Still nothing. Voldemort filled his lungs with a big breath. "SSSSSNNNNNAAAAAPPPPPPEEEE!!!". Snape was still out of it. Seeing this, Voldemort looked very slowly around him from left to right to make sure no one was looking. Seeing no one was, he yelled, "BOTHER!" and jumped on Snape over and over again. After a couple of minutes of that, Voldemort got up, tapped Snape one more time with his foot to see if he was still out, and walked away. "I guess I'll show him the rest of the new base later. I need to get to that meeting about that law-suit about our name..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Zeferin: **Thank you all for read. Remember, this is my first fanfic, but I think that you enjoyed it.

**Trazish: **I bet you ticked off a lot of Snape lovers out there.

**Zeferin: **I hate to say this, but you're probably right (why do I feel I need to wash my mouth out with soap?). Ok ok...now if you are a 'Snape the Great' and not a 'Snape, Gotta Hate' kind of person, just wait, he'll regain consciousness soon...I hope. Well enjoy! My next chapter will be out soon.

**Trazish:** Got a name for it stupid or will be be lazy and just say **'Chapter 2'**?

**Zeferin: **Ok smart guy, how do you like the name, **"New Name?!"**

**  
Trazish:** Not much.

**Zeferin:** Didn't think so.

(P.s. if you didn't like this one, please read chapter 2. Much better. Thankyou!)


	2. New Name!

Ok...this is a...**DISCLAIMER. I DO NOT OWN, OR IN ANYWAY, MADE HARRY POTTER. ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO JK ROWLING**. **Also a very OOC of Lord Voldemort!** Thank you!

_Italic with quotations–thoughts _

**Zeferin:** Hello again! This is you lovable, favorite, kind, caring...

**Trazish: (_cough_**) Lier.

**Zeferin:** Trazish...are you trying to imply something?

**Trazish:** Oh no...or course not...(**_cough)_** sarcasm.

**Zeferin:** **_(Anime stress mark)_** Anyway...this is Zeferin and my not-so-kind other, Trazy.

**Trazish: **THAT'S TRAZISH TOO YOU ZEF-ICANS!

**Zeferin:** Shut up!...Anyway...this is chapter two of my story. Please enjoy as I 'show' Trazish how to behave with my handy-dandy shovel. OH TRAAAAZZZISHHHHH!!!

* * *

_**New Name?!**_

Voldemort was walking down the hall to the law suit meeting. On his way, he passed door after door leading to room after room. He passed the gruesome Torture Room where many unspeakable means of causing pain and mental break downs took place. Some people were bewitched mediaeval devices that would cause their intended pain and then heal the person to begin again. Others received hexes and curses put on them that made their brains catch on fire or their bodies to turn inside out. Then the rare, poor unfortunate souls that were punished the worst possible way that Voldemort could think of had to listen and watch "It's a Small World" full blast, night and day for three days straight. Many went insane within the first twenty minutes.

Next was the Hanging Room, where one would be hung by his fingers, toes, arms, legs, waists, ankles, arm pit hair, nose, eye lids, ear lobes, tail bone, spinal cord, ribs, lips, teeth, finger nails, toe nails, their head hair, or neck. After being hung by one or more of the previous places, they would be lowered slowly into a pit full of crocodiles, snakes, hungry wolves, and a male dwarf named Sue with anger management problems would then proceed to take a metal pipe and hit all the hanging victims in the ankles.

After that came the Human Experimentations Room. This was where captured wizards, witches and muggles were taken to see how they react to this spell, that hex, this body modification, or splicing with that animal or that one. Some of the more grotesque beings and hexes are created, used, and killed here. Voldemort smiled as he passed this one, having fond memories of doing unspeakable things to many Unspeakables.

Then came the Death Room. This is, of course, the place where after the Torture Room, Hanging Room and Human Experimentations Room finished with their...'guests', the poor souls were sent down to the Death Room. Here, there were three methods of killing the 'guests'. The first was a quick and simple Avada Kedavra. The next option was to walk through a veil that Voldemort acquired-not-stolen-from-the-Ministry. The person simply gets forced into line and gets forcefully shoved into the veil. Very quick and no clean up. The last one was reserved for the ones Voldemort wanted to laugh at when they die. Yes...the last death is a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

Now last, but not least was Lord Voldemort's personal favorite. This was his sanctuary, where he went if he's in a bad mood, needed to get away from the Deatheaters, or was mad about Harry Potter ruining all of his very evil, well planned schemes. Lord Voldemort also put a Fidelius Charm on it so only he can see and go into it. This special room was called...The Room of Fluffy Snuggle Animals!

As he continued the walk down the hall he reached the door that he was looking for, The Meeting Room. He stopped just short of the door, fixed his black robe, made sure his finger nails were un-cared for yet evil looking, his face could soil any child's undergarments, and that he radiated evil. He took a breath, and turned the nob. He slammed the door open, and stepped into the room.

The room was dark, very large, and poorly lite except around the podium, resembling .very much a gothic style cathedral. Inside the room itself were about 500 dark, shrouded deathe eaters all seated in numerical order who wereall chatting about what this meeting was all about. As soon as the Dark Lord entered, though, all chattering ended right then and there. _"Evil and dark thoughts, evil and dark thoughts," _said Voldemort to himself. _"Who's the biggest bad guy? Your are! Who's name is 'I can't say it'?Your's is! Who wants to pet a fluffy snuggle bunny? I do! Wait...Evil thoughts...Evil thought!! Who..." _and on and on he thought as he came closer to the podium.

Everyone became silent in their seats as Voldemort climbed the first step leading up to the podium. They were mesmerized by the time he reached the second step, and on the edge of their seats as he reached the third. Many were on the floor cracking up when the Dark Lord tripped on the last step.

After regaining his pose, fixing his robe and cursing a few to quiet the crowd, Voldemort looked out with the most sinister glare any of them have ever seen. Some, though, say that they swore that the Dark Lord turn a deeper shade of ghostly white which could have meant that he was blushing. Anyway, Lord Voldemort cleared his voice behind the podium. He said, "Ladies and Not-So-Gentlemen, the evil and insane...Sit Down Bellatrix! As I was saying, I come before you to talk about a serious problem. With this most grave of news, I'll be frank. I..." Voldemort stopped for in the 10th row, left hand side and in front of the fellow with an 'I don't suffer from Insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!' shirt on, a man raised his hand. The Dark Lord glared, "Yes number 256?!"

The man stood up. He was a short and chubby man looking more like a pink bowling ball with a head than a person. He was wearing the classic deatheater clothing, and his facial expression was close to none. "Well," he said in a rather simple voice, "If you're now Frank and I was Frank, can I now be called Tom?"

Voldemort slow slapped his forehead. "That's not what I meant! I am still the Dark Lord Voldemort!"

"But you just said you were Frank? How am I suppose to know that you want to be called the Dark Lord Voldemort if you said you'll now be Frank?"

Voldemort growled. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" Number 256 fell backwards, dead in his seat. Furious, Voldemort screamed, "Now then, does anyone else want to call me Frank!" Five others raised their hands and five more Avada Kedavra's were sent off.

With blood vessels popping out of his forehead, Voldemort continued. "With those annoyances taken care of, I will more back to the reason we are all where. I have here, " he said as he held up an envelope, "are horrible papers. These come from the Netherlands from a group of wizard musician. They say that the name of their band, "Death Devourers " sounds far too like our name 'Deatheaters' and that their band symbol of an otter skull with eels coming out of the mouth look too much like the Dark Mark." All of the Deatheaters were now on their feet booing and hissing. "I know, I know, but what is worse is that they seem to have gotten their name and symbol patient and a copyright on them a day before us! Even worse, they're planning to sue!!"

With the crowd looking like they were about to go out to kill all the people in town and probably would, Voldemort tried to get them back under control. "My followers, please listen!" They continued to yell. "I SAID QUIET OR I'LL SICK CRAZY FAN GIRLS ON YOU ALL!" They all fell silent. "Now, they band said that they won't sue if we will change our name and symbol. You all need to think of a new name and symbol so we can still be feared in the hearts of all. Now...any ideas?"

Bellatrix started jumping up and down with her hand up in the air going 'Uh, Uh!'. Voldemort looked at her with distaste and back at the crowd. "Anyone else? Come one, anyone else but her?! No?... Fine. Yes Bellatrix?" he sighed.

Bellatrix then started to jump more for joy. "Oh master that I love, adore and secretly collect his dead skin of, I have the greatest idea for our name and symbol. Our new name will be 'The Love Voldemort Club' and our symbol will be you with a heart in the background! How do you like the idea Master?"

Voldemort wanted to throw-up so badly at that moment. "Um...let's save that idea for later in case we can't think of a...dark and more evil sense to it. Now, anyone one else have and idea?" Bellatrix sat back down half joyous that her Master used her name in person, half disappointed that her Master didn't like her idea that much.

After a little time to think, another person stood up. He was a thin, tall man. His grey eyes looked like they might have once held power, but no more. His white-ish blonde hair had lost it's shine and was going grey. They man spoke up as if it hurt to talk to the Dark Lord. "My Lord? I have an idea."

"What is it Lucius?" asked Voldemort as if he could care less.

"I was thinking of our new name and symbol. How about the 'Malfoy's'...and, and as our symbol we have a pile of galleons with blood dripping off of them. Do you like it, my Master?"

Voldemort just glared at him. "Do you expect me to believe that you want our name to be your most pitiful name and our symbol to he money?!" he hissed. "I have a good mind to just break your arms off, break your wife's legs off, and send your maggot of a child off to the Neverland Ranch with that old music star freak! Now sit back down and shut up!" Lucius did exactly that. "Now, anymore?"

I person ran into the room. He had snow white hair and blood red eyes. He ran to the podium where Lord Voldemort stood and knelt before him. "Yes Zeferin? Do you have the reports ?" said the Dark Lord as if he could care less.

"Y-y-yes milord, I do," said Zeferin as he stood up with a stack of papers and handed them to Voldemort. "Here are all the names that have been taken by copy rights and the last page are all the names that haven't been taken."

Voldemort looked through the pages. _"All the good ones have been taken!"_ he thought. Then he got to the last page. He just stared at the last three possible names and symbols . "You have got to be kidding me. _These _are the only ones left?!" he screamed at Zeferin.

"Y-y-yes milord, these are the only ones left. I checked over one hundred times milord! I did, I swear!"

"He's lying! He only did it about three!" said another figure that walked through the door. This person looked almost identical to Zeferin, except he had blood red hair and snow white eyes. "Why are you lying to the Dark Lord, Zeffy?"

"Quit trying to make me look bad infront my master Trazish, and stop calling me Zeffy!" yelled Zeferin at Trazish.

"Both of you shut up and sit down or I'll kill you both right here on the spot!" yelled Voldemort over the two bickering others.

"Yes Lord Voldemort!" said the two at the same time as they bowed to the Dark Lord and took off to find seats at opposite sides of the room.

"Now then," said Voldemort after the two split personalities took their seats, "these are the following names that we are allowed to choose from; 'The Love Voldemort Club', the 'Molfoy's', or the 'Fluffy Snuggle Bunny Nibblers'. The three symbols are Me with a heart in the background, a pile of galleons with blood dripping off them, or a Fluffy Pink Bunny in a black robe." Bellatrix's and Lucius's eyes lit up at these. Everyone else was "WTF?".

"Now for the voting of our new name. Please close your eyes, lay your heads on your lap, and raise your hands when you want to vote for a name. No double voting or I'll kill you," he said in such a sing-song voice.

Everyone closed their eyes and put their heads on their lap. "Now, for "The Love Voldemort Club", raise your hands." Those who wanted that name raised their hands. "Good, put your hands down. Now for the 'Malfoy's', raise your hands now." The people that wanted that name raised their hands. "Good, put your hands down. Now for the 'Fluffy Snuggle Bunny Nibblers', raise you hands." The people that wanted that named raised their hands. "Ok...I have the results...the first one got one vote from Bellatrix, the second got three votes from the Malfoys, so it looks like we are now the 'Fluffy Snuggle Bunny Nibblers'." Many people started to puke.

"Ok, well do the same thing for the symbol as we did for the name. Now, put your heads down." After one person peaked and was killed one the spot, the voting was done. "Now I got the votes. The one with me and a heart background got 10 votes, the bleeding galleons got 50 votes, but most don't count for Malfoy bought their votes, and the rest voted for the fluffy pink bunny in the black robe." Voldemort just stared at them. "Are you bloody kidding me! We went from death eaters to Bunny Nibblers! We went from a skull and snake to a bunny in a robe! Fine, I'll make this mark feared. Lets go out and each kill 10 muggles tonight! If kill 10, I won't torture you. Now go! Kill. Make the name, "Fluffy Snuggle Bunny Nibblers" a feared and tabooed name! Now GO!!!!!" All the recently-known as death eaters stood up, changed their dark mark to the Fluffy Bunny Mark, and storm out of the room cheering and read to kill.

It just so happened that about five minute before hand, Snape had woke up, and feeling like he had been bothered very hard. He wondered the hall until he heard cheering from a room at the end of the hall. He walked up to the door, put his hear to the door, opened the door, and then got trampled by a mob of about 500 Bunny Nibblers who just plowed over him and stepped over and over on his face. After the crowd was gone, Snape was on the floor, battered and bruised very badly. Voldemort came out of the room and looked down at Snape. "Snape? You're laying on the floor again? What's with you, trying to be a door mat?"

Snape couldn't answer for his face was swollen shut from all the feet that smashed his face. "Not answering me? That's not a great way to start your first day back Snape. Oh well, if you insist on being a door mat..." Voldemort stepped right on Snape, wiped his feet, and walked right off his face and down the hall. Snape just gave up and passed out.

* * *

**Trazish:** Hello again, I'll be speaking for Zeferin for he tried to hit me with a shovel. I took the shovel and hit him instead. I think I may have hit too hard. Oh well, you won't be doing that again, now will you Zeffy?! 

**Zeferin: _(moans and groans)_**

**Trazish:** I thought so. So I will be saying bye to all you scum and filth that took you time to read this half a..

**Zeferin: **Wait...ouch! My head...don't say anymore Trazish. You'll scare all of the readers away. I am sorry for what ever my other my have said. You could say I am the yang and Trazish is the yin of the whole being we are. More or less, I'm nice then he his.

**Trazish:** Nicer! You trapped me in you mind of 13 years!

**Zeferin:** Because you wanted to over throw the world and make yourself dictator of it by age two!

**Trazish: **What's wrong with an early accomplishment?

**Zeferin: **I don't know...innocent lives lost...global chaos...mass pandemonium...I just couldn't tell you.

**Trazish:** You just named all my favorite things to do.

**Zeferin:** I just knew you were going to say that. Anyway, come back when I'm done with chapter three, Much more Snape action!


End file.
